I Booked All of the ‘Friends’ Reunion Celebrity Cameos. Here Was My System

The internet was buzzing this week about all the super-cool celebs due to appear on the Friends reunion show on HBO Max. The internet has one guy to thank — me.

That’s right. I booked all of the celebrities for the special. And I’m gonna tell you how.

A lot of people would look at that list of guest stars — which, in case you haven’t seen it, is Malala Yousafzai, Reese Witherspoon, David Beckham, James Corden, BTS, Cindy Crawford, Tom Selleck, Justin Bieber, Kit Harington, Lady Gaga, Cara Delevingne, Larry Hankin, Elliott Gould, Mindy Kaling, Thomas Lennon, Christina Pickles, Maggie Wheeler, and James Michael Tyler — and wonder if there was a system there. Of course there was.

Here was the system: I was on drugs.

I’m a major talent booker with all the biggest agents on speed dial. When the reunion episode was in the works, HBO got in touch with me and told me to start making some calls. They gave me no guidance, they gave me no rules. “Do what you do best,” they said, and hung up. (Metaphorically. It was an email conversation.)

The first thing I did, and I cannot stress this enough, was take some drugs. It was also the last thing I did. Only hardcore drugs — and we’re talking cocaine here, lines of the stuff — can explain a collection of people that includes Malala Yousafzai and Tom Selleck. Those two have never been in the same room together. To tell you the truth, they shouldn’t be in the same room together, what with their egos. But coke will get them there.

Soon after I’d taken the blow I called Justin Bieber’s agent and told him that Lady Gaga was doing the show. I then rang Lady Gaga’s agent and told her that Justin Bieber was doing the show. Within minutes they had agreed, and Cindy Crawford was circling like a vulture. That’s right, Crawford, I thought. Come to Daddy.

At this point a lot of bookers would have sobered up and played the safe game, padding out the rest of the lineup with people who were interested in or connected to the show. I, on the other hand, hoovered up another line and screamed at my assistant to get me David Beckham. (I don’t have an assistant.) The manic and explicitly violent threats I made were frightening enough for Beckham’s people to accept, and from there the rest was a walk in the park. Corden — easy. Delevingne — child’s play. Yousafzai — piece of piss.

When I sent the list to HBO, written in crayon on my bathroom wall, they told me I hadn’t booked anyone who had ever appeared on Friends. “What’s Friends?” I asked, still monumentally high. After checking IMDB I called some of the famous guest stars — Reese Witherspoon, Elliott Gould, BTS — and bellowed the details at them. I’ll be surprised if they turn up — especially given what I said about BTS.

After a day or so of relentless sniffing, it was time for me to crash hard. In the morning I looked at the list and realised how obvious it was that it could only have been the product of a furious drug binge. I’ll be found out, I thought.

So far, though, I think I’m safe.

Enjoy the special.